There exists a place, burried deep within ever changing barriers that make up the confines of my mind, that is under constant watch. The high, majestic walls surrounding are slowly disintegrating. Piece by piece, chunks are unhinging, getting closer and closer to exposing the raw material within. The problem is, once a wall breaks, there is no rebuilding. You cannot restore it to its original splendor. Once a wall is down, it's staying down. There is not much else you can do. So I keep this place under steady surveillance, to the best of my ability, because what's contained within is toxic. If released, the monster inside will wreck havoc to the rest. Spreading itself like an invisible, odorless vapor, if uncontrolled, it will sabotage the thing I currently hold most dear.
I am not yet completely skilled in the art of blocking things out and locking them away. My walls are weak, my guards - faulty. When night hits, when all is still and I can hear nothing but the sound of his breathing followed by the gentle caress of warm air against my frigid skin, my guards are useless. As I sat there, his head in my lap, tracing the contours of his face with my exhausted fingers while his unkempt hair tickled my arm, I looked around and was faced with the abrupt realization that I was standing in the very place I had put so much effort toward avoiding; I was staring into the eyes of the beast.
Ideas and forbidden possibilities crept in. Date him? I was forced to consider it. And what about progression? How soon would I have to face a larger beast; answer questions presented by a more terrifying demon?
I WOULD enjoy calling him my own. I would never take the right to pop in, unannounced, at any moment in the day... Or night, for granted. I would like to feel his arms around me, protecting and securing. I would like to kiss his face. To give him a physical representation of the gratitude I feel for his role in saving me. Saving me from inadequacy, from self loathing, from being lost and alone. For giving me something to smile at in the middle of the day, and a reason to be reckless and irresponsible at night.
But date him?! DATE HIM? Commitment, exclusivity and pressure for potential all encompassing and bearing down at all times and from all angles.
It was then I found the monster's weakness. A small niche that would buy me time. Time to strategize, to build up strength and resilience. Time away to clear my head, and time to test the waters... To see if the monster would even be allowed to stay. This niche is summer. Long distance. Inevitable separation. Where nothing can happen in regards to a relationship. Where he will be spending time with ex girlfriends and fun, exciting new people. A perfect test. If the monster exists still, so be it. But it is sleeping for now and will not resurface for some time.
