The Game.

When I was younger, my siblings and I would try to play board games together. I say "try" because on each occasion, as the game progressed and my brother's lack of skill would become increasingly more apparent, his frustration would build. Each game ended abruptly with flung pieces and an irate stomp down the hall. Not too shabby at board games myself, I could never quite sympathize with him and didn't understand his willingness to claim defeat.

Now, years later, I feel the same anxiety he clearly exhibited as an exasperated kid. This new game, however, I'm not too great at. This game has no rules and no standard process. This game requires skill, luck and strategy, but the three alter with each new player. This is a game in which you discover the path to victory slowly, painfully and piece by piece, often ending with few merits and immense confusion as to the directions that led you to your final destination. You rarely get a rematch with this game. Once you lose, you’re done with that player; no second chance, no opportunity for redemption.

I have not played enough to develop the talent required to hold my own. I get so disappointed when no longer in the lead that I would rather throw the pieces and stomp down the hall than sit through the discomfort and pitiful monotony of dragging myself to the end. True, if you give everything up half way through, you have no chance of pulling ahead and finishing strong in your favor. But the statistics in this game rarely look optimistic for me. I am typically vastly out skilled by those I engage in play.  

It would be nice to move up a few levels… inadequacy is incredibly infuriating.

The Terrifying Reality of Self Definition

Stumbling through the ups and downs of everyday existence;

 you're out of shape and biking slick rock trail, 

it's awkward and uncomfortable. 

The inclines are exhausting, the declines are unnerving 

and the flats exist solely to prolong impending doom. 

All the while you're hot and sweaty, your muscles - screaming and in a consistent state of near depletion but you're miles away from nearing any possible conclusion. 

Pain is a constant companion. You and he go way back.

 You feel his presence in everything you do. 

The sun is pain, the rock is pain, the handlebars have been delivering his relentless caress for hours.

Every year you make the trip and every year you end up reliving the exact same horror. 

When you wake up in the morning, you don't know where you're headed. 

How could you know you'd be writhing under the blistering heat just hours later?

While recently forced to evaluate my inner mechanics, I did not like what I saw. I've been running on dirty oil for a long time now. I thought I had a good idea of the person I wanted to be. I thought I had a good, tight grip on the motivation behind my actions and a clear view of the person I have become. But what I thought was polished glass turned out to be, upon closer examination, steel - rusty and misshapen. I need to reestablish priorities. I am living the life of a person I do not want to become.