liz?

was it worth it? did the back and forth get strong enough that you couldn't help but let go? you are the one that always knew how to deal with this stuff; the grouping around in the dark. you didn't pretend to know the way, but you were warm and held tight and that's really all you need when facing the waves. liz? who did that for you? did everyone assume they were inadequate? did they accept their roles because you always seemed so confident? how big was your rock? your chance at survival? did you want to blow everyone away?

no.
you weren't thinking of them, were you? not in the selfish - ruthless kind of way, but the way that is simple and painful and pure. you couldn't, there wasn't room. liz? i'm sorry. i don't know if i could have taken any of it - the screams. but i could have been one voice, and sometimes that's makes all the difference? could i have made the war a little warmer? provided a hand to squeeze - even if you had to let go?

i don't know why. i don't know how. i know that you are not a selfish person. i know that that is rarely the reason. i think reasons don't exist there, just pressure and salt. salt in open wounds that pour out in tears. drowning in salt. drying up. thirsty. cracked. dissolving.

liz,
 
in a twisted way - you have cut me deep. but now i am wary of knives and afraid to die.

liz,
i thought you were untouchable. immortal. a god.
you went out with a bang - shrapnel in rasping lungs. i long for you.
in a way that is dirty and deformed. a parasitical relationship. i hate you, but you are the closest thing to touching gold across ponds.

what now, liz? how can we just -live?

Lemons

I don't want to understand. I don't want to 'hash it out'. I hate that I can't connect, and when I do, I hate that people need me. I can't feel the wind anymore, but i'm held tight in embraces. I want to be lonely again, but being the phoenix burns like hell. Tears act as fingers pointing inward, exposing everything i've tucked away and turned against. I've become so good at being a voice that I've lost my own and I don't know where I'm falling I just can't feel the road beneath my feet anymore. I need to sleep but don't want to close my eyes. The passive is overpowering. To let another day just roll in like everything will go on and be okay would be murder to this fire that I miss and despise so badly. To send a message and not get a response is better than not sending at all? Yes. But the world runs on murder and manipulation. The bumps are no longer friends, but strangers staking their ground in a body I no longer know. I need music, but have never heard the words. My teeth shut out the wind when I smile and smiles turn into hot breath. Hate breath. Retching up something just out of reach. Wanting to feel dry again. I can't. Breathe. out of my nose. So leave my mouth open. I'll take the pain, if it makes everything whiter. My thoughts are not my own anymore and my life is cinders, waiting on the breeze through the trees. Cause if I can't find my own voice, I just want to hear the mountains - talk


talk








talk.

Dear Liz

You hugged Sarah until she gave in and cried.
Gave Alicia glass mason jar mugs - with lids - so she could transport her wine.
Made all the youngsters drool with lust.

Liz...
I don't even fucking know anymore.
You are love. And all the shit and elation that comes along with it.