color it rae.

liz?

was it worth it? did the back and forth get strong enough that you couldn't help but let go? you are the one that always knew how to deal with this stuff; the grouping around in the dark. you didn't pretend to know the way, but you were warm and held tight and that's really all you need when facing the waves. liz? who did that for you? did everyone assume they were inadequate? did they accept their roles because you always seemed so confident? how big was your rock? your chance at survival? did you want to blow everyone away?

no.
you weren't thinking of them, were you? not in the selfish - ruthless kind of way, but the way that is simple and painful and pure. you couldn't, there wasn't room. liz? i'm sorry. i don't know if i could have taken any of it - the screams. but i could have been one voice, and sometimes that's makes all the difference? could i have made the war a little warmer? provided a hand to squeeze - even if you had to let go?

i don't know why. i don't know how. i know that you are not a selfish person. i know that that is rarely the reason. i think reasons don't exist there, just pressure and salt. salt in open wounds that pour out in tears. drowning in salt. drying up. thirsty. cracked. dissolving.

liz,
 
in a twisted way - you have cut me deep. but now i am wary of knives and afraid to die.

liz,
i thought you were untouchable. immortal. a god.
you went out with a bang - shrapnel in rasping lungs. i long for you.
in a way that is dirty and deformed. a parasitical relationship. i hate you, but you are the closest thing to touching gold across ponds.

what now, liz? how can we just -live?