Topic for this one? Love. ...or the lack of.
It has not been a pity party night. I'm perfectly content with where I am now. I am just trying to understand the reasons behind my behavior.
I feel lost in regards to self clarity. At times, I give fairly good advice. So why can't I coach myself? I feel I can more clearly see a stranger's motive and cause for action than my own.
Sometimes, in art, when I'm stuck on a piece and do not know the correct step to take to move forward, I have to take a giant step back and take in the whole picture. Only then can I see how all the parts fit together.
Unfortunately, I cannot do this in my head. I cannot step briefly out of my life, take in the big picture, and notice the parts that need fixing. It makes things extremely unclear. This explains the sheer length of the process to understand myself; A feat that will most likely remain unaccomplished, even - I'm afraid - when inhaling my last few breaths. Regardless, I will attempt the entire way. Here is one such attempt:
I am inwardly overly sensitive to the sheer volume of space that occupies my brain. I know very little. I say "inwardly" because I will be the last to admit this in public. I put on a facade, pretending I've been there, done that, and done it all twice. I wonder how believable it really is...
The truth is, I have a lot of growing up to do. I think this knowledge is one reason I am afraid of committing. Kenny said something the other night while on the topic of "physical presentation" that was utterly adorable and has stuck in my mind since:
"When your girl comes to the door early in the morning, in pajamas and no make up - hardly able to keep her eyes open, there are few things cuter than that."
It was said with such sincerity and earnestness that I just thought, "Wow. He really cares about her." His words were laced, dripping with love, bare and exposed. It got me thinking about my relationships. I want to be that person to someone. I want to provide that level of support, respect and adoration. I never want to be in a relationship where I cannot give them everything they deserve and more.
Not again.
So I feel, right now, with my limited knowledge on the subject of life, relationships and love, inadequacy is all I can contribute. So I must stay on the sidelines until I can make someone else, not only sufficiently, but deliriously happy.
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